On December 12th 2012, 13 days before Christmas, I found out the baby I was carrying had died. I was one day shy of being 13 weeks pregnant, but the miracle inside me had stopped growing at 9 weeks and the tiny heart was no longer beating. I could almost hear my own heart shatter. It was the hardest day of my life.
To help ward off depression, I threw myself into my book. I had finished the first draft, but the last 70 pages or so were all handwritten so I spent most of my time transcribing it on the computer. When I wasn’t writing, I was reading. Anything to take my mind off of what had happened. I wasn’t happy with my life at the moment, so I spent as much time as I could living the lives of the characters I was writing or reading about.
Now it is time to start living my life again. With the New Year comes new beginnings. We have all heard it before. Usually I would just roll my eyes. However, this year, I feel the saying is appropriate.
I finished transcribing the handwritten manuscript. I am now revising my book, which is much like writing a whole new book all together. But now I have a chance to make it a better book. I am not starting over, I am just making it better. I am better prepared for what I want the overall outcome to be and how to get there. It may not be the most fun. I don’t think anyone really enjoys the rewriting process. But the headaches and the frustration will all be worth it when I am finally able to hold my new, perfected book in my hands.
The same goes with my family and our hopes to add one more member to it. We are waiting a couple of months, but we have decided to try again after our loss. We are definitely not trying to replace our loss with a new baby. We are not starting over. Nothing will erase the pain we felt after hearing the news that our baby had died, but I know I will see my angel baby again one day in a place where there is no pain. After our tragedy, we are now better prepared for all the possibilities, and when we conceive again, we will more than likely be paranoid and worry the whole 9 months. In the end, the worrying and the paranoia will all be worth it when I can finally hold my new, perfect baby in my arms.
C. L. Parson
C. L. Parson 
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have not experienced this myself, but my heart aches for you and your family. The paranoia and worry is part of the reason we stopped with one perfectly healthy child. I didn’t think my heart could take the emotional stress of going through it all again. Congratulations on finishing your novel. I’m preparing to go back to spruce and fluff my second book. Painful but necessary. Keep the faith.
Thank you for your kind words. Congratulations on your first and second book! And so happy you have a healthy child! We have one and praying for number two, then we will be done. 🙂
I love that! “I take dictation for the voices in my head.”
Thank you! 🙂
So sorry for your recent loss. It sounds as though you dealt with it in a positive and constructive way. I’ve heard others who have suffered miscarriage that one of the toughest things to deal with is wondering about “what could have been”. May you find peace in coping with your loss
Thank you for your compassion. It was and still is very difficult. An innocence was lost, the innocence of believing every pregnancy ends in the birth of a baby. However, it allows me to better appreciate the blessings in my life.
Loss does have a way of shattering our illusions, I know it did for me (with the death of my husband) about many things.
I am sorry about the loss of your husband. However, it is somewhat comforting to know we are not alone in our grief (though we would much rather no one have to experience it).
It is part of being human, but we can lessen the burden by reaching out to one another in times of grieving.